What it Feels Like to Fail

irresistibleLoser (noun): a person who is incompetent or unable to succeed; also : something doomed to fail or disappoint.

Easter came early at the Haus of Gina.  I wanted to title this post "An Open Letter to Jesus" but MR convinced me that would be sacrilegious.  I didn't make it through Lent without shopping (you may recall my ambitious sacrifice this year).  The shoes above were the nail in my coffin.

It started with the Liberty of London line at Target.  Knowing that seeing the Liberty stuff in person would be incredibly tempting, I avoided the store like a vampire avoids the sun but eventually found myself there - alone.  On a Sunday.

It was as though Satan himself was tempting me in those racks.  How the F could my Target still have dresses and shirts in my (very common and usually sold out) size?!  I viewed it as an omen: God knew how hard I'd been suffering and he decided to reward me.  Or I was so blinded by the sheer pleasure of shopping and buying great pieces that it didn't matter.  I twirled in the dressing room and smiled from ear to ear, squealing slightly under my breath.  Unbelievably, I'd forgotten just how wonderful shopping feels.  I crept out of Target with an awesome dress and two shirts and thought about hiding the bags when I returned home (I didn't).  I knew what I did was against the rules, but I kept pushing this violation of my Lenten sacrifice to the back of my mind and focused on my purchases.  Despite this slip up, I thought I was still on the wagon.

Then came Lucifer himself, disguised as the Christian Louboutin sale on The Outnet last week.  The temptation was too much to handle.  After the thrill of scoring these Louboutins at 65% off, I did feel a little remorseful.  But I felt mostly exhilarated upon seeing the words "You saved $646.75" at the checkout.  I WAS BACK.

I am sorry for cheating, but not sorry enough.  A wise friend opined that Lent isn't a contest, and the exercise isn't about surviving the 40 days.  It's about practicing your skills of self denial and patience so you can call upon those skills when you need them most.  Even though I didn't make it the entire 40 days, I did deny myself the joy of shopping on many occasions, and I'm proud of my efforts.

And honestly, failure may feel pretty bad, but it looks really good.